Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.