them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*