First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.