Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating