People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
This is sending me to another galaxy
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”