uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Wait a minute…
San Francisco has too many rules
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”