Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.