(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
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During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Good news
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail