HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Bit chilly again tonight.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
s
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting