Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Put my back out twerking in the library again