Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ