sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
You Might Also Like
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My teenage children choosing violence
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.