The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
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I really had high hopes for this year though
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire