Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in