[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I am never leaving this website
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*