me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
mumsnet is amazing
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.