Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
You Might Also Like
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe