I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions