[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”