I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”