After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.