oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy