waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
are there any atheist mantises?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.