Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm