GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
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SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.