Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
*jazz hands*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
not to brag, but mine was free
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.