*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.