Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
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Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
i spent way too long on this
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!