“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Found my door mat
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
channeling her this year
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me checking my bank balance online.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”