This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Oceanography is all about current events
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
#Caturday
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.