Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.