hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Meow
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
LMAO.