Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
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*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.