5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
You Might Also Like
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Boom, boom, ching!
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021