For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?