#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You Might Also Like
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.