Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
You Might Also Like
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Effort made
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*