eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
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When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Morning my dudes.
Buying a well is money well spent.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.