“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
😬
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.