This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.