“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I think I’m having a stroke
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.