please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
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me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.