When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
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If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
omg leave her alone
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?