Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
bad
worse
worst
worchester
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
cats when you pet them too long:
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse