Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.