I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah