there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I can fix him.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June