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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
An odd boast
Autocorrect completely socks
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.