When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week