Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.